FLAME (Spark Series) Page 17

  “I want you to breathe in and out slowly. With each breath you are letting go of the past. Letting go of the things you cannot change. Letting go of your mistakes.”

  I do as he says with much doubt that it’ll work. I continue until he tells me otherwise. I breath in and out, slowly, for several minutes before he finally speaks again.

  “I want you to picture your dad. Picture him at a time in your life when you hated him the most.”

  That’s actually hard considering I hated him my entire childhood. But I think of one…

  It was Christmas morning. I was eight. All my friends at school talked about what they were getting for Christmas for weeks prior. I only wanted one thing. A particular doll—Baby Ginger. Her eyes opened and closed, you could change her outfit, and even brush her hair. All my other friends wanted more “grown up” things, but I’d never had a doll before. I told my dad weeks earlier when he was sober. He had actually asked me what I wanted from Santa. My eyes lit up as I told him exactly which one, and the smile on his face actually gave me hope.

  I woke up Christmas morning to a hungover father who didn’t even bother putting up a tree. There were no decorations. No music. And no presents.

  Not even one.

  “Now I want you to imagine yourself telling him you forgive him.” I almost choke, gagging at the thought. “Let go of the anger.”

  “I can’t,” I gasp out. “I can’t forgive him.”

  Another pin goes on my forearm. The pain isn’t there. It’s more of a sting. But the fact is, it makes me feel. Even if it’s not pleasure, it reminds me I’m alive, and that I can feel.

  “Let go, Carissa,” he repeats. “Let the hate you feel for him go.”

  I feel my anxiety approaching, but I breathe through it. What good is it hating him? I’ll never love him, but can I let go of what he’s done to me? Of what he’s made my life?

  “Let go of the hurt, Doll. Don’t give him that power over you. He doesn’t deserve it.”

  And it’s true. My father doesn’t deserve the right to hold that power over me. I’m surprised at how right Drew is. Why should I give my father any part of me?

  “Okay…” I say slowly. I feel him release another pin, his hands rubbing smoothly over the sore spot. This time, it feels even more amazing than before when the pin releases, the blood circulating back. The sensation brings intense pleasure, almost orgasmic.

  “Forgiveness will help you let go. Don’t do it for them, Doll. Do it for yourself because you deserve so much better. You deserve love. You deserve so much more than you have ever received.”

  “I want to forgive,” I admit, finally agreeing with him. “I don’t want to live like this.” It’s true. I shouldn’t have to feed off control anymore.

  Walking around with hate and anger is destroying me. I haven’t realized it before, but knowing how my body responds to Drew, and how much I’ve been able to let my guard down around him, shows me how I can be living instead.

  “Good girl.” Another pin releases, bringing the gratification back.

  Soon, the only pins left are the two on my nipples. It feels like my nipples are being twisted and pinched at the same time, but they’ve been on me the longest, and my nipples are practically numb. It’s taking a lot of willpower to stop myself from grabbing him, forcing him inside me. The whole experience is making me drip with need for him.

  This is my first time ever letting a guy take this much control. Although it was uncomfortable and new, I’m glad I let him. It’s exactly what I needed.

  He hovers over my body, his hard cock pressing into my skin. He’s turned on as much as I am. I moan with desire hoping he gives in soon.

  He releases one clothespin from my nipple and immediately sucks it into his mouth. The feeling is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. My entire body tingles as the blood rushes back. My body arches as I push myself further into him, needing the release.

  He moves over to the other one and releases the clothespin. He aggressively forces it into his mouth, his lips sucking and biting it. The pain that was once there is gone and replaced with pleasure—sweet, intense pleasure. His hand grabs the unoccupied nipple and pinches it between his fingers, sending shivers down my body. I can feel how wet and ready I am for him, feeling so good about myself.

  His hand massages my breast as his mouth finds mine. He pulls the blindfold up and off my eyes, letting me see him for the first time since this all started. His eyes are filled with lust and desire. I can’t help the smile that forms on my face. He’s just so…breathtaking.

  I feel his cock press into me as our eyes remain locked. I spread my legs wider and bend my knees, giving him all the room he needs to fill me completely. After all the anticipation, he grinds into me deep, giving me just what I need.

  His hand finds my hair, pulling back lightly as he brings my mouth up to greet his. The kiss is deep and passionate. Experiencing this with Drew has somehow made me feel closer to him, vulnerable and exposed, but surprisingly, it doesn’t bother me.

  His eyes remain locked on mine as he tells me to come now. I’ve held back as long as I could.

  “Let me hear you,” he pants.

  “Oh. My. God!” I scream out as an uncontrollable eruption overtakes me, and I’m finally relieved. It’s intimate but insanely pleasurable since he controlled the rhythm.

  “Oh, holy shit…” I moan as he collapses on top of me.

  “Bloody hell, that was…”

  “Earth-shattering,” I finish for him.

  He smirks as he rubs a hand over my flushed cheek. “It was.”

  He lays next to me, rubbing over my sore nipples. He covers us up and snuggles me right into him, rubbing a hand slowly up and down my arm.

  “I want you here,” I begin.

  “I am here. I’m not going anywhere, Doll,” he promises.

  “I mean, I want you here with me for the rest of your stay. I want you to stay here until you have to leave.” The words are painful, but I want as much of him as I can get. “I want you to move in,” I finally blurt out.

  His hand freezes on my arm and he stills.

  “Too much?” I cringe.

  He chuckles and continues rubbing me. “Not at all. Just surprised me, that’s all.”

  “I know, I tend to do that around you a lot.” I wiggle closer against him, needing to feel his body around me.

  He kisses the top of my shoulder gently before responding, “Yes, you do.”

  We talk for hours. I ask where he learned his techniques, if he’s ever done that before—just out of curiosity—and he promises he hasn’t. This is the first time a guy and I have ever shared a first together.

  He explains he learned about trust exercises in human sexuality courses. Apparently, he’s had several classes like that both in the classroom and online, making him do a lot of research in that area. It’s interesting hearing him talk about school, since he hasn’t really done so before now.

  “I plan to go to gradate school at some point. I hope to become a counselor,” he informs. I smile wide like a proud girlfriend would.

  “What kind of counselor?”

  “Truthfully?” He asks and I nod. “Okay, no laughing.”

  “Promise.”

  “I want to be a family and marriage counselor and maybe evolve into being a sex therapist.”

  My eyes widen in surprise. “Well, you definitely have my vote,” I tease. “Er…blessing, I mean.”

  He laughs. “I thought you’d say that. It’s not the sex, though, that interests me. I did this paper once, and I had to do a lot of background research. That’s when I came across all these trust exercises. They were really interesting and new. The more I dug deeper into it, the more I thought I really could see myself helping others using these techniques in relationships.”

  “Don’t you have any trust issues? I mean, like with your dad?”

  “You know, I never really thought about it like that. Rather, I knew we were better without him.
He didn’t want to be a part of our lives, so he was the one missing out.”

  “I wish I could think like that.”

  “Well, it’s different for everyone. I have a great mother, an amazing role model. You didn’t even have that.”

  I sigh.

  It makes me think about my life path, and if I can really see myself in college. I think about it for a bit, thinking maybe I need to start thinking about my own future more. I mean, I can’t be a bartender forever. No one will tip an old lady with saggy boobs, after all.

  I continue telling him about my parents. I go deeper into my memory than I’ve ever let myself go before. And because he asks, I tell him the Christmas story. I even tell him a couple happy ones that I vaguely remember.

  I’m wrapped in his arms, and I don’t ever want the night to end. The evening is just so special and different that I hardly feel like myself, but in a way, I feel better, more confident and secure.

  For the next couple days, Drew brings the rest of his belongings over. It feels nice to see his stuff around the apartment. Ever since Velaney moved out, it’s felt empty and lonely.

  I try not to think of the upcoming weeks. I know his graduation is approaching soon, but I try to block it out of my mind. I want to enjoy Drew as long as I have him.

  19

  “Since I’m working tonight, why don’t you and your friends come in and visit me?” I plead, bending over the breakfast bar as I watch him effortlessly move around in the kitchen. He insists on making me breakfast every morning. Although, I’m not really a fan of his British traditions, I sure do enjoy the show. “There’s a darts and pool tournament.”

  “I’m sure they’ll be down for that. They like any reason to get pissed anyway.” He shrugs playfully. “And bet their parents’ money away.” He grins.

  “Good, it’ll give me something to stare at all night.” I grin.

  He clasps a hand to his chest. “I’m starting to feel like you only want me for my looks.”

  “Well, that’s how this relationship goes. You’re to stand next to me and look pretty.”

  “Glad to know where we stand.”

  I laugh out loud. I’ve never been this comfortable around someone before. All the easy bantering, the deep conversation, and desperate need to always be around one another—I’m beginning to think I really might have fallen, hard.

  I’m jittery as I begin my shift at the bar. Knowing Drew is coming in excites me, and even though I just saw him right before I left, I’m already anticipating seeing him again.

  “Well, you’re cheerful tonight,” Julia says, giving me an odd look.

  “Yes, and your point? I can’t be cheerful?” I ask, almost offended.

  She continues studying me before replying. “Yeah…there’s definitely something wrong with you. You never come into work this happy. You sometimes leave work this happy, but rarely do you come into work like this.” She smirks with her hands on her hips.

  “Drew’s staying with me for now. I love getting to see him more.” Her eyebrows raise but she stays silent. “Yes, I know he’s leaving soon. Don’t give me that look,” I snap.

  She puts her hands up in defense. “Didn’t say a word. But…as long as you know what you’re getting yourself into…” she lingers off.

  I know, but I am not allowing myself to think about it. Ignorance is bliss, right? Well, that’s the motto I’m using for now.

  Shortly after, the bar picks up, while teams begin forming for both tournaments. I hear a parade of squeaky girls and roll my eyes.

  Julia and I work side by side as we help serve customers. She’s been acting awfully strange lately, so I decide to interrogate her for once.

  “So anything new in the Winston area?”

  She huffs before responding. “We broke up.”

  I slam the glass down that I was holding in my hand. “What? And you didn’t tell me?”

  “And burst your happy bubble? No way.”

  “Juls, you can tell me anything. No matter what mood I’m in. Plus, this gives us an excuse to indulge in a pint of ice cream and watch girl power chick flicks all night.” I grin.

  “Girl power?” she asks confused.

  “Yeah, you know…girls who are all badass and take no prisoners.” I smile, hoping it makes her laugh.

  She does. And I smile again.

  “C’mon, spill it now.”

  I grab a few dirty glasses and put them in the dishwasher as I watch her. She looks sad as she begins talking.

  “We were just on very different paths,” she begins. Winston is seven years older than her, so I had a gut feeling this would happen eventually. “He was talking about all this finding himself shit, and that’s why he didn’t want us to have sex for a while. He said we needed to work on our relationship, and when I laughed, he got kind of upset. I agreed to it, thinking it wouldn’t last long, but after six months, I started to second guess my feelings for him.”

  I shoot out a laugh. “Find himself? Sounds like he’s going on a self-journey that has no room for a girlfriend, hun.”

  “I know, that’s kind of what I said, too.” She grabs a few bottles from the cooler and tosses them to the customer in front of her.

  “Well, then I guess it’s best for you in the end. Now you can find someone more on the same page as you.”

  “Right. I agree.” She smiles, taking the guy’s money and thanking him for the tip. “I’m just sad because we spent the last year together, but six months in, it got really awkward and strange. Almost felt forced.”

  “Well, let the happy-go-sappy-girl tell you this…don’t settle just because you think it’s the best you can do. There are lots of fish in the sea.” I wink at her, making her laugh again.

  “It’s fine, really. I know it’s for the best anyway.”

  “Good for you.”

  “This is weird, ya know? You giving me relationship advice?” She chuckles.

  “Hey, I turned over a new leaf. Or whatever the hell the saying is, but anyway, I feel changed. Better, actually.”

  “Good. I like the new and improved Carissa.”

  “Yeah, well, I doubt she’s here to stay,” I mumble. Before Julia can speak again, Drew and his college buddies appear in front of us.

  “Hey, you guys made it!” I smile wide, giddy even. Oh my god, it’s ridiculous how happy I get whenever I see him.

  “Of course. I couldn’t get these wankers here fast enough. They can’t wait to kick some arse in pool.”

  “Dude!” One of the guys smacks his hand on his shoulder. “It’s ass! Say it with me. ASS.”

  I laugh because I love Drew’s accent, but it’s easy to see they love to give him a hard time.

  “…is what I’m about to kick if you don’t get off me,” Drew threatens playfully.

  I interrupt their little banter as Julia makes her way next to me, obviously eager for introductions.

  “So, this is Julia,” I say to his friends who are drooling across from us.

  “This is Landon, Zen, and Seth.”

  “Zen?” I ask out loud.

  Landon and Seth laugh as Drew explains. “Nickname. I’ll tell you later.”

  I chuckle as I can only imagine. “Okay.”

  “Well, if you boys want to prove you’re really men, here are the signup sheets for the tournaments,” Julia interrupts, suddenly in a much better mood. She slams the sheets down and holds out a pen.

  “Hell yeah!” Seth grabs the pen and begins writing their names down.

  Julia passes me briefly, slowing down to whisper in my ear. “So hot.”

  I laugh silently as she continues her walk to the other end of the bar to assist more customers.

  “Good luck, guys. Kick some ass,” I cheer playfully.

  “Don’t you want to play?” I ask Drew since he hasn’t moved.

  “And leave the most beautiful girl in the world alone? I think not.”

  I cock my hip out and sigh at him. “You can admire from afar if you wish.
But go play. Have a good time. I have to grab boxes and stock anyway.”

  He stands up and leans over, motioning for a kiss. I meet him half way, letting our PDA be well-known.

  I let Julia know I’ll be in the basement for a few and to cover for me. She nods as I make my way out.

  I stack the boxes in the backroom, organizing them so I only grab the ones I need first. I’m in a cheerful mood, and nothing can bring me down right now.

  “Carissa?” I hear someone’s voice by the bar.

  Julia and I swing around at the same time. I gasp in shock as I take in the man in front of me—tall, older, and attractive. Even more attractive than I remember.

  “H-oly shit,” I mutter so only Julia can hear me. I’m frozen in place as my eyes bulge out of my head. This cannot be happening.

  “I thought it was you,” he says, leaning casually on the bar.

  I swallow, hardly able to grasp seeing him again.

  “Um, hi. It’s been a long time.” I walk closer so I don’t look like an anti-social nutcase. I stiffen as I get a hint of his scent, Old Spice.

  “Yeah…five years or so?.”

  I nod along with him. “Yeah, I guess.” I fake a smile.

  This is awkward. So awkward.

  I spot Drew coming up behind him, patting his shoulder as he meets up with us at the bar.

  So fucking awkward.

  “Mr. Brox, you came,” Drew exclaims.

  “Of course. I need to teach my students one more lesson before the end of the year.” He grins.

  “Um…teach? You’re their teacher?” I ask, putting the pieces together.

  “Yeah, Mr. Brox is the best professor. I actually learned about American culture and history in his class,” Drew explains, sitting directly next to him.

  History professor…of course.

  I bite my cheek, lip, and tongue. I don’t know how the hell this can be happening. I don’t know what to say or how to explain how I know them both to each other, but this just went from awkward to an uncomfortable fucked up coincidence.

  “You must come here a lot if you know the bartenders by name,” Mr. Brox teases, grilling for information.

  “No.” Drew laughs nervously as if he’s being busted for not being at home studying. “Carissa’s my girlfriend.”